By: Life After Debt

When it comes to marital strife, love may lay the foundation, but money issues are often what create significant challenges. Amber Duncan, founder of Life After Debt, has seen firsthand how financial secrets—not necessarily infidelity—are increasingly becoming a major contributing factor in divorce.

Through thousands of private consultations known as Clarity Calls, Duncan has identified a growing issue: couples drifting apart not because of romantic betrayal, but because of money withheld, credit card bills hidden, and a growing sense of shame often disguised as silence.

What is Financial Infidelity?

Financial infidelity is the act of concealing financial decisions from a partner, whether through secret spending, undisclosed debt, or hidden accounts. Rates appear to be rising, and it can be just as emotionally disruptive to a relationship as traditional affairs.

A 2024 survey by Debt.com indicated that one in three divorces is connected to credit card spending and financial secrecy (Debt.com, 2024). Another study found that more than half of respondents admitted to engaging in financially deceptive behavior within their relationships (National Endowment for Financial Education, 2021).

Duncan has heard many variations of this story. A spouse maxes out a credit card without informing the other. Someone secretly withdraws from savings to fund an impulse purchase. A partner opens a ‘just for emergencies’ credit card, which eventually gets used as a lifeline, with the hope that no one will notice. The names and contexts may vary, but the emotional toll remains consistent, laden with shame, guilt, anxiety, and a fractured sense of trust.

The Role of Shame and Secrecy

While every situation is unique, the underlying motivation driving the secrecy is often similar: shame. Duncan believes that this sentiment is particularly prevalent among women, who tend to carry the emotional burden of household finances while silently absorbing blame when things go wrong.

“We’ve worked with clients who carry enormous emotional weight, afraid that revealing the truth about their debt could have serious consequences for their relationship,” she explains. “But often, the secret itself can have a far greater impact than the debt.”

One client came to Duncan’s team with more than $30,000 in hidden credit card debt. She had kept it from her husband for over a year, terrified of what full disclosure might lead to. Duncan helped her devise a plan—not just for managing debt, but for fostering honest communication. What started as an individual consultation eventually became a joint session. Her husband joined the next Clarity Call, and together, they created a new financial strategy—not in spite of the truth, but because of it.

From Crisis to Communication

These types of outcomes are what set Life After Debt apart. Founded by Duncan following her own bankruptcy in 2008, the organization approaches financial healing with empathy, not shame. Since its inception, Duncan and her team have helped Americans reduce millions in credit card debt, typically for far less than what they owe. Yet for Duncan, the work extends beyond numbers—it’s about reshaping people’s emotional relationship with money.

In Duncan’s view, the solution to financial infidelity starts with normalization. “Money should be a regular topic of discussion for couples. It shouldn’t only come up when there’s a crisis,” she says. She encourages clients to schedule financial check-ins, making them a consistent part of their routine and creating a space for transparent, shame-free conversations that are focused on being constructive rather than reactive.

When finances are part of the regular conversation, secrecy loses its influence.

Shared Goals and Open Dialogue

Equally important is shifting the focus toward shared objectives. Couples who collaborate and work toward a common financial goal—whether it’s eliminating debt, saving for a home, or building an emergency fund—are less likely to keep secrets and more likely to communicate openly. “When partners are aligned on the ‘why,’ the ‘how’ becomes easier to navigate,” Duncan adds.

However, for many, the first step is the hardest: acknowledging that there is a problem. That’s where Life After Debt’s Clarity Call stands out. It’s designed to be a safe, non-judgmental starting point—one that recognizes that financial missteps are part of being human. “The most powerful breakthroughs often happen in those fifteen minutes,” says Duncan. “People realize they’re not alone, they’re not broken, and there’s a way forward.”

Catching the Red Flags Early

Part of what makes financial infidelity so challenging is how easily it can be hidden in plain sight. A partner grows uneasy when the mail arrives. A bank statement suddenly disappears. Purchases get categorized as “business expenses” when they’re anything but. These red flags often get overlooked until the consequences can no longer be ignored.

Yet, most people who hide debt aren’t doing so out of malice. They may be overwhelmed, afraid, or convinced that silence is less painful than conflict. But as Duncan knows well, silence rarely stays silent for long. The longer financial deception lingers, the harder it becomes to repair—not because the numbers increase, but because the trust deteriorates.

A Blueprint for Healing

Duncan’s own story is a testament that financial failure doesn’t have to be the end of the road. Her recovery from bankruptcy informs her message today: debt may shape a moment in your life, but it doesn’t have to define your future. This message resonates deeply with the couples she’s helped—people who, despite their missteps, are still willing to fight for both their financial health and their relationships.

As she often reminds her clients, “The vows said ‘for richer or poorer,’ but that only works if both people truly know where they stand.” Financial infidelity doesn’t have to end a relationship, but ignoring it might. The first step toward healing is often just starting the conversation.

And for those ready to do just that, Life After Debt’s free Clarity Call is where that conversation can begin—not just with numbers, but with honesty.

Disclaimer: This content is intended for informational purposes only and should not be considered financial or legal advice. Always consult with a professional before making any financial decisions.