By: Samantha Karagianis

Many look forward to the holiday season as a time for special family moments, but for those of us who grew up with a narcissistic family member, this season can bring a profound sense of dread. As the daughter of a narcissistic father and mother of young children, I want to share some strategies for protecting your peace and creating joyous memories — even amidst challenging holiday dynamics.

Recognizing the narcissist’s playbook

I grew up feeling like I was walking on eggshells, constantly trying to navigate my narcissistic father’s negative and condescending attitude. His Narcissistic Personality Disorder drove him to thrive on belittling, controlling, and seeking validation. Unfortunately, his tendencies seem to intensify during the holidays, as a joyous gathering becomes the perfect stage for him to dampen the mood.

It can be difficult to see beyond these tendencies; I had naively believed it was selfless of him to organize our family’s celebrations. In reality, it was a calculated way for him to remain the center of attention, often overshadowing the true spirit of the season. Recognizing these patterns was my first small step toward reclaiming my holiday joy and my life. 

Setting Boundaries

Protect your peace this holiday season by setting and maintaining boundaries. Just remember that this can be particularly challenging with narcissistic family members who see boundaries as threats rather than healthy limits.

First, establish clear boundaries regarding the information you choose to share. Since narcissists often use nuggets of personal information against you, think carefully before you speak during holiday gatherings. I know this is easier said than done and may feel like a tall order, but keeping your responses as concise as possible can often help.

In the past, I often fell into the trap of engaging on their terms, which inevitably led to me snapping and left me vulnerable to further emotional harm, like gaslighting and being told I was too emotional. I found myself questioning whether I was the problem. Today, I’ve learned to respond calmly and firmly with a planned phrase like, “I’d prefer not to discuss that topic, thank you.” If they continue to engage, I simply walk away. They’re looking for a reaction, so leaving them without one sets you up for success.  

Before the holiday gathering, be sure to clearly communicate your boundaries regarding time, topics of conversation, and interactions. Be aware that these boundaries may trigger your narcissistic family member(s) to take on the victim role. You will best maintain your boundaries by refusing to reward their guilt trips with any attention — whether positive or negative.   

If you have a significant other, be transparent about your non-negotiable boundaries before walking into the chaos. Take time to establish subtle cues to signal when you need extra support, ensuring you’re on the same page to approach any situation as a team.   

Finally, prepare for pushback. Expect resistance and have a plan to handle it by reinforcing your boundaries and staying consistent. Your narcissistic family members will know exactly what to say to trigger you and may solely engage with you for that purpose. However, you can prove them wrong by keeping your cool and responding calmly when your boundaries are challenged. Remaining in control of the situation is the ultimate power play.    

Limiting Contact Without Guilt

Right around the holidays, that all-too-familiar guilt over not spending time with family intensifies. After years, I finally learned that it’s perfectly healthy to limit contact for the sake of my well-being and that of my children.

Try keeping visits short and sweet. Instead of a week-long visit, consider dropping by for a specific event, like a gift exchange.

To preempt the guilt, establish new family traditions that are meaningful to you and your children, like baking cookies, watching holiday movies, or volunteering together. New traditions can help shift the focus from what you feel you “should” do to what genuinely brings you joy. 

Protecting Your Peace for Your Children’s Sake

As a mother, I’m more determined than ever to protect my peace for the sake of my young children. They deserve a holiday filled with warmth and joy, not tension and anxiety. Now, I make a conscious effort to be aware of my language, tone, and mannerisms so I can show them what healthy behavior looks and sounds like.

For example, my kids are incredibly observant and often notice when I say one thing but do another. If I want them to respond calmly and respectfully, I need to model that behavior.

Growing up, I was always taught that it was impolite to say “no,” which left me vulnerable as an adult and unable to set boundaries. Today, I firmly believe it’s essential for my children to learn how to respectfully establish their own boundaries and express their individual voices. 

Prepare your children for the gathering gently. Depending on their age, explain what they might expect and how to handle uncomfortable situations. Simple phrases like, “If anyone raises their voice, it’s okay to come find me,” can provide reassurance. After the holiday gathering, encourage open conversations and address any concerns or questions they may have.  

Finally, ensure that your children have a safe space during family gatherings. Whether it’s a quiet room where they can take a break or activities that engage them away from the chaos, these spaces can be a refuge. 

Self-Care Is Non-negotiable

Navigating the holidays with a narcissistic family member is emotionally taxing, so make sure to schedule downtime. Carve out time for rejuvenating activities such as reading a book or taking a walk.

It can also help to spend time connecting with friends or a local or online support group. Sometimes, just sharing your experience with someone who gets it can be incredibly validating.

Lastly, find ways to incorporate mindfulness practices like meditation, deep breathing, or yoga into your holiday routine. These can help ground you and reduce stress.

Moving Forward With Hope

While we can’t change others, we can change how we respond to them. By setting boundaries, limiting contact, focusing on our children’s joy, and practicing self-care, we can reclaim the holidays and transform them from a source of dread into a season of genuine warmth and love.

I’m still in the process of finding the balance I cherish, but I now know that it’s entirely possible. This holiday season, I encourage you to focus on protecting your peace. Remember, you’re not just surviving the holidays — you are creating new, joyful traditions that put your family’s well-being first.

Published by: Josh Tatunay